i.just.don’t.know.

Where am I going? What am I leaving behind? Did I mess up? Have I finished all that I started? Have I even started? Why do I feel so alone yet so loved? Am I scared? Is fear ruling my life? Did I tell her all I needed to say? Why do I imagine my problems weighing me down? Aren’t uncertainties just part of the adventure? Am I overthinking? Where am I going? What am I leaving behind? Am I good enough? Did I tell him I don’t agree with what he is doing? How can I help him? What is in store for me in 10 days? 1 year? 10 years? When is the next time I will see my friends? Am I living the will of God? What is God’s will? Why do I have a headache? Why do we cry? When is the last time I cried? Why don’t I just man up? What does it mean to be a man of God? Am I a man of God? Why don’t I pay attention and stop writing in class? Will I even remember this class in a week? A year? Why do I see the truth when it’s too late? Is it ever too late? Why am I late for class? If I trust God, is my life not in His timing? Where does God want me? Where am I going? What am I leaving behind? Why am I so thirsty? Why am I blessed to have clean cold water? Why me? How can I pray for these people? Do I pray enough? Do I talk more than I listen? What is my solid ground? Who is my solid ground? Do I love God only when I feel Him near me? Why are some conversations so hard? Is deep conversation between persons lost? Why can’t I express how I feel? Why does it take so long? Am I impatient? Why don’t I stop being so emotional? Is it emotion or just the world screaming at me to act? Is emotion a bad thing? Where am I going? What am I leaving behind? Why are my sneakers tied yet I don’t know where to run? Why am I so self-centered? What is humility? Can it be taught? Is pride my GPS? Do others feel the same? Is heartache like bench press for the heart? Will it give me stronger love? Am I even confused? Why do we meet people at certain times? Why am I not hungry? Why am I famished? Why am I tired? Why am I hyper? Why can’t I focus? Why does this coffee taste like dirt? Why am I still drinking it? Why am I complaining when people are suffering eating dirt? How can I see the hurt in their eyes when I’m comfortable? Can I help heal the world? What is my purpose? Where am I going? What am I leaving behind? Am I ready? Ready to do what I think is right? Ready to commit to my morals? Ready to trust? Ready to take initiative?

Ready to act? 

Maybe?

I think so.

No, I don’t think so.

I know so.

I’m ready. 

___________________________

Dear readers, 

      I will be taking a break from my writing. I have a lot to reflect on as the end of the school year is approaching. I ask that you send prayers my way and ask Christ to send me peace in uncertainty. I have some difficult choices to make and I am praying that my choices are attuned to His will. 

     The above post is part II of the “I.Just. Don’t. Know.” series. If this work resonates with you I encourage you to check out my older post. Once again thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. Keep the faith. I’ll be praying for you.  

Love you guys,

Nick Bellacicco

 

 

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