I Cried for a Different Reason

I am 23.

Jesus has been my Lord and my Savior since my earliest memory.

I was raised in a family that valued going to Mass every Sunday.

Every. Sunday.

And I did.

And when I was younger I was not the most fond of it. I remember my mother telling me, “When you are older, you will appreciate it.”

In college is when the appreciation grew. But first I turned a bit away. The nightly prayers my family fostered in me, which I always said before midnight, seemed to be less important when I was talking to a girl. I still went to Church, but my prayer life suffered. In college I used a lot of excuses. Whether that be my workload, my sleep schedule, etc. I told myself that going to Church on Sunday and reading theological works (which I love to do) was enough.

Over the past year, my prayer life has improved, but not because I necessarily chose it. Circumstances changed, and I was on my own. I hit a lot of walls and Christ was my only hope. I spent a lot of nights crying, hoping my tears would drown out my problems. I never before understood Christ’s experience at the agony in the Garden; however, I was given a little glimpse of it.

As a Christian, I cannot firmly believe in Jesus if I do not acknowledge all the evil.

Last week, as I wrote in the old blog post, I dealt with a spiritual battle.

A battle I had never experienced before.

Doubts about my faith literally were like canon balls to my gut.

My faith felt like it had become a single dew drop in the desert.

I was freaking petrified.

So in this, I continued to do what I thought was necessary.

I went to Mass.

I read and read and read spiritual books.

Hoping to discern an answer to all my woes.

At the end of the week, with the help of my Christ-filled girlfriend, I came across a passage that allowed me to look back and see my issue.

Matthew 10:39 ( a passage I had read tons of times before this moment)

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

All this time.

The past 23 years.

I was doing nothing but try to find my life.

I was doing all I needed to do in school in order to get where I needed to go.

I was talking to all these girls to try to make a future family for myself.

I was trying to find answers to all my anxieties, fears, and dreams to build a secure life.

And all this finding was leading to nothing but loss.

So, what to do next?

Lose my life? What does that look like?

It looks like a whole lot of prayer. Prayer is turning your mind away from your physical body outward. It is an escape through conversation with God.

It looks like a whole lot of trust. Trust that all this bad God is using for my good. Trust that Jesus Christ is mercy itself.

It looks like a whole lot of love. Small daily sacrifices for others. Self-love by forgetting myself. Loving God with a continuous overflowing heart. In every moment loving God for the moment.

Friends, I hope this small post can have a giant impact on your heart.

Let go of YOUR life today and allow God to fill it with His grace and mercy.

Pray, trust, and love.

Cultivate a relationship with Christ.

If you do this, your tears of fear, uncertainty, and doubt will turn into tears of utter joy and love.

You will begin to cry for a different reason.

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