I am here to give you a ten step guide on how to feel restless every single day of your life. Not just 5 days a week. BUT EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! Yes, this is a great deal. For a one time payment of your entire life I will teach you how to drown yourself in anxiety and despair. This guide was composed based on experience and stories of experts.
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10 Steps to Restlessness: A Millennial’s Guide
1. Zeal is coffee
You want zeal? You want to feel passionate about something? If that’s the case drink as much coffee as you can. One cup not doing it? Try two or three! Eventually you will become so addicted you will feel like you are doing work when you actually aren’t! What a score. Your high heart rate and energetic attitude will feel almost as if you are passionate about something! And that silly crash? Don’t worry about it! Just drink another. And another. And another.
2. Emotions and rabid squirrels.
In order to stay restless you must never tell anyone about how you are feeling. Whether it be a loving parent or a friend. I repeat. Don’t tell them! Bottle it up and let it run around in you like a rabid squirrel. The emotions such as anger and sadness are especially powerful! If you have those boy are you lucky! Lock them up inside you and throw away that key.
3. Every follower is your best friend
Treat every Instagram follower and Facebook friend as your bff for life. If they do not like a photo something must be wrong with you! Use this to question yourself continuously for hours as to why you aren’t good enough. Every time someone unfollows you it must be because you are a terrible person. Once again, the key here is to think about all the times in the past when people made fun of you and try to see what they see. They are obviously your best friends, so they must be right.
4. Stay in Bed
In order to stay restless stay in bed for hours. Use this time to ruminate about all of your life’s troubles. For a double effect go on social media while in bed. Don’t get up early and see the sun rise. Don’t take deep breaths and think about all you are grateful for in this world. Don’t count sheep. Count your problems. We all got at least 99 right? That should do the trick.
5. Frowning is the new smile
Turn that frown right side up and show it off to the world! If you smile you may actually feel happiness. Avoid that at all costs. Frown at your parents. Frown at loved ones! Frown at strangers! Let that sorrow fill you up. Restlessness will soon follow.
6. Throw away your sneakers
Do you own a nice pair of nifty tennis shoes? Throw them out! Like to participate in sports and workout? Forget it. Working out will only give you peace of mind. That is not what we are looking for here! In order to stay restless rid yourself of all workout clothes. To be sure only wear jeans from now on. A really tight pair. That way it is impossible. Whenever you feel like working out refer to tip #4.
7. Avoid loved ones
At all costs avoid the people that love you. When at the dinner table use your phone. When at a family party sit in the corner. When hanging out with friends preoccupy yourself with social media. In order to feel restless you must work on destroying these relationships. If an individual starts initiating deep conversation counter it with “I’m good.” Works every time. However, if the person is persistent flee to the bathroom and use this down time to check social media.
8. Rest and Relaxation:waste of time
If you are resting you obviously need to be doing something else. If you ever catch yourself catching your breath be quick to think about your to do list. Always have it handy on your smartphone. When you go to the beach or a mountain to hike make sure you check this list every few minutes. Studies show that the more times you check the list the more things get added to it. It also helps increase heart rate and blood pressure! Yippie!
9. Your dreams are impossible
Why act when your dreams are impossible? So don’t! It is that simple. First start by thinking about how worthless you are. Then think about how much better everyone is around you. When impossibility becomes a possibility you know you are at the right place. All of your dreams will soon fade away!
10. Prayer? Talk to Siri
Why pray when you can talk to Siri! Through prayer you are only finding true peace through God. Why would you want that? God is the opposite of restlessness. Instead, it is much better to ask Siri all of the questions you have. God may be calling you to change the direction of your life, but the GPS is right there!
There you have it. Follow these 10 steps and you will have the best restless life possible.