Self-hate ain’t great 

I talk to myself. 

No, not out loud. 

Hmmm wait. Maybe sometimes. 

But what I mean by this is that we all talk to ourselves. Everyday. In our minds. 

We hear our own voice more than we hear the voices of others. It is constant. 

When we get up in the morning. While showering. While eating breakfast. While studying. While getting ready for bed. 

Our thoughts are our voices. 

Today, I realized something. 

My self-talk is horrible. 

If I were to add up all the positive thoughts about myself, my situations, my day I would have a pretty small number. 

Whereas the negative talk would fill a room. 

“Get up now. You are gonna be late. Why do you always do this.”

“You are never going to learn this material. Why are you even doing this in the first place?”

“You procrastinated again. Are you serious? What is wrong with you?”

“No. Don’t wear that it looks stupid on you.”

Maybe it is just me. But I can bet there are many of us whose thoughts about oneself are more negative than positive. 

When I look back on my childhood this was definitely not the case. My thoughts were something like this:

“If I practice I can totally be a professional soccer player.”

“I like waking up in the morning. Dad makes good breakfast.” 

“I like taking breaks from my homework. I know I will get it done later.” 

It is very interesting to me that as a child my self talk was mostly positive. I saw opportunity rather than failure. My motivation was new possibility not new failure. 

Christ says it in the Bible. We need to be like children. We need that type of faith in ourselves and in Our Lord. Negative self talk is only pushing us from Him. 

When I was on the playground in elementary school. I had to jump off the ledge and reach for the monkey bars. The only way I did this was to remind myself: You can do this. You are capable.”

Friends, I am asking you today this question. How can you make a leap of faith when you don’t even trust yourself to jump?

Today, my internal dialogue becomes different. My you cants will become you wills. My self hatred will become self confidence. My view of failure will become a view of opportunity. 

Try it out. Let’s make the jump together. 

Tear Up My Textbook

 

It was late. I was really tired. Maybe it was 1 am or 2 or 3. I can’t remember. What I do remember is that I was stressed out. I could feel my heart rate thumping like fast paced EDM. I had to get out of the library.  Maybe a change in scenery would help? AKA the biggest lie I could have told myself.

My test was the next day, but the more I read the textbook the less prepared I felt.

Come on. Focus. You can’t mess this up. 

I threw open the library doors and sighed.  It was a beautiful night, but I did not really care.  I did not see the bright stars just an imaginary digital clock lighting up the sky.

11 hrs 30 min LEFT

Having no time to lose, I ran over to my bike and tried to unchain it. With my biology book in one hand and my “freshman year of college lack of muscle tone” I could not get my bike off the rack. It was wedged between the bike’s of fellow late night procrastinators.

I tried a few more times and it was useless. I just couldn’t finagle it out of there. All my anger, fear, frustration, and uncertainty consumed me at that moment. I thought about all the school work I had. I thought about all the laundry I had to get done. I thought about that girl I wanted to ask out. I thought about where I was going to get food the next morning. I thought about making more friends. I thought about….o yeah…THE TEST.

I had the textbook in my hand and I…..I was ready.

 

Ready to destroy it. 

 

So, I gripped it tightly ready to bash it against the asphalt.

I was done.

I was fed up.

I was nervous.

I was scared. 

I was frustrated. 

About to lift it over my head…I was stopped.

I heard a voice.

A girl’s voice.

Do you need any help? 

 

I had not seen anyone around me. Where did she come from? Who was she? Does she know me?

Before I could ask any of these questions she came over and within seconds the bike was off the rack. And just like that…

she was gone. 

 


 

This story has had a huge impact on my life. It always reminds me how such a simple act can change the perspective of someone’s life forever.  The girl in the story had no reason to help me. She probably had a lot of tests that week as well. She was most likely nervous about something. She most likely missed a few extra minutes of sleep to help me out.

Yet, in that minute or so she reminded me not to let the anxieties and frustrations of life cause me to forget the people around me.

I once told a professor this story and he asked me if I believed in angels. I do believe in angels and maybe she was an angel. I can tell you I never saw her again on campus. The moment she left I could not remember her face.

Or maybe she wasn’t. Maybe she was just a girl that saw a young guy struggling and went out of her way to lend a helping hand. In my book, that is an angel as well.

I know this week is full of tests.

I know you are stressed.

I know you are frustrated.

I know you are scared.

However, I encourage you to always be on the lookout for those on campus, in the store, at home, etc. who are also feeling the same way. You never know how much of an impact you can have on them. The girl in my story not only stopped me from destroying a very overpriced Biology book but she did much more.

She showed me that when I am hurting people care.

She showed me what it means to love others no matter the time or the place.

She showed me to never lose hope.

 

Be someone’s angel this week.

 

“We are each of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.”

-Luciano De Crescenzo

 

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Why.I.Keep.Going.

It’s that time of the year again.  What time?  The time of the year when every pre-med out there questions his or her life choices.  Our brains becomes flooded with statements like…

“What are you doing to yourself?” 

“You are tired. Kick your feet up and just take a nice long nap.  Forget about the tests.”

“Are you sure you are cut-out for this pre-med thing?”

“Why do you even want to be a doctor anyway?”

Though these thoughts usually come from the sleep-deprived irrational brain, there is some rational questions that arise…

Why keep going?  Why not stop?  Why not do something else with your life?

Most of the time we tend to silence these scary thoughts and pretend they never happened.  We are pre-med.  We cannot show weakness.

So what do we do?

  • Drink gallons upon gallons of coffee.
  • Study for 1,000,000 hours
  • More Coffee
  • Maybe sleep?  Nope.
  • Study another 1,000,000,000 hours…
  • And eventually
  • Make it into medical school!
  • And then…
  •  DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN

Something else besides the prestige and the financial stability must be motivating us to keep going?

What is it?  

Here are a few reasons why I keep going.  I hope it resonates with all the pre-meds out there.

I keep going for…

That older woman in the free clinic.  She tells me she doesn’t sleep more than 4 hours a night.  I ask why.  She tells me that she can’t sleep because her husband had lung cancer .  At night, when he coughed, she feared he would die.  He passed away years ago she tells me…but she still wakes up.

I keep going for…

That ten year old girl who wears a surgical mask anytime she goes out in public.  She can go into anaphylactic shock for air-borne milk allergen exposure.

I keep going for…

The woman with Stage 4 ovarian cancer. Her husband, sitting beside her, just had a stroke.  His whole left side is paralyzed.  She jokes about her upcoming death.  He tries to forget by watching TV nonstop.  He clicks the remote with his right hand.

I keep going for…

 

That little kid with Crohn’s Disease who takes more pills than I can count.

I keep going for…

My Grandpa, an engineer and man who loved working with his hands, who is now unable to move or speak because of Parkinson’s disease.

I keep going for…

The man in the nursing home who does not remember me after a few minutes.

I hope…

That through my studies, I will gain the critical thinking skills necessary to make the correct diagnoses.

I hope…

That through my studies, I will gain the patience to listen to each and every symptom.

I pray…

That through my studies, I will gain the strength to carry on even when I feel like I can go on no further.

Why do we keep going?

For the privilege to make a difference in the lives of our future patients and their families.