i.just.don’t.know.

Where am I going? What am I leaving behind? Did I mess up? Have I finished all that I started? Have I even started? Why do I feel so alone yet so loved? Am I scared? Is fear ruling my life? Did I tell her all I needed to say? Why do I imagine my problems weighing me down? Aren’t uncertainties just part of the adventure? Am I overthinking? Where am I going? What am I leaving behind? Am I good enough? Did I tell him I don’t agree with what he is doing? How can I help him? What is in store for me in 10 days? 1 year? 10 years? When is the next time I will see my friends? Am I living the will of God? What is God’s will? Why do I have a headache? Why do we cry? When is the last time I cried? Why don’t I just man up? What does it mean to be a man of God? Am I a man of God? Why don’t I pay attention and stop writing in class? Will I even remember this class in a week? A year? Why do I see the truth when it’s too late? Is it ever too late? Why am I late for class? If I trust God, is my life not in His timing? Where does God want me? Where am I going? What am I leaving behind? Why am I so thirsty? Why am I blessed to have clean cold water? Why me? How can I pray for these people? Do I pray enough? Do I talk more than I listen? What is my solid ground? Who is my solid ground? Do I love God only when I feel Him near me? Why are some conversations so hard? Is deep conversation between persons lost? Why can’t I express how I feel? Why does it take so long? Am I impatient? Why don’t I stop being so emotional? Is it emotion or just the world screaming at me to act? Is emotion a bad thing? Where am I going? What am I leaving behind? Why are my sneakers tied yet I don’t know where to run? Why am I so self-centered? What is humility? Can it be taught? Is pride my GPS? Do others feel the same? Is heartache like bench press for the heart? Will it give me stronger love? Am I even confused? Why do we meet people at certain times? Why am I not hungry? Why am I famished? Why am I tired? Why am I hyper? Why can’t I focus? Why does this coffee taste like dirt? Why am I still drinking it? Why am I complaining when people are suffering eating dirt? How can I see the hurt in their eyes when I’m comfortable? Can I help heal the world? What is my purpose? Where am I going? What am I leaving behind? Am I ready? Ready to do what I think is right? Ready to commit to my morals? Ready to trust? Ready to take initiative?

Ready to act? 

Maybe?

I think so.

No, I don’t think so.

I know so.

I’m ready. 

___________________________

Dear readers, 

      I will be taking a break from my writing. I have a lot to reflect on as the end of the school year is approaching. I ask that you send prayers my way and ask Christ to send me peace in uncertainty. I have some difficult choices to make and I am praying that my choices are attuned to His will. 

     The above post is part II of the “I.Just. Don’t. Know.” series. If this work resonates with you I encourage you to check out my older post. Once again thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. Keep the faith. I’ll be praying for you.  

Love you guys,

Nick Bellacicco

 

 

Noticing You Noticing me

The last few weeks (more like months) I have been really stressed/anxious/fearful.

     Why?

I have no idea what my future holds.

I have no idea what state I will be living in next year.

I have no idea if I will find good friends.

When I talk to others about my future I appear confident. I act like I have everything under control.

But.

The more this semester goes on the more I realize control is something I never will have in this life.

Waiting to hear from medical schools has been a painful process for me.

Waiting for a phone call.

Waiting for an email.

Thinking….

Am I good enough?

Did they like me in the interview?  

Maybe, I should have done more?

While this idea can be applied to my medical school process, I’m sure many of you understand this feeling. Waiting makes us think. We see so many roads we could travel on and look to God for guidance. We pray. We ask for help. We seek peace.

When I was younger I would ask for the good ole fashion sign from God. I wanted a hand written note sent from Him, preferably delivered by dove, to land into my lap.

The older I have become the more I understand that God does not work that way.

However, throughout the last few months I have noticed something.

Because I have been so down.

Because I have been so uncertain.

Because I have been so confused.

I have looked to God so much more. Because of this I have noticed things that I have never noticed before. I would not call them signs…but reminders. Reminders that He is there.

I have noticed Him noticing me.

Let me explain.

1. Dining Hall

A few weeks ago, I was feeling really lost. It was one of those days when you roll out of bed already confused as to what you need to do that day. I was behind on work. I had 5,000 different scenarios about my future running through my head like a movie reel. I made my way to the dining hall to grab food. Maybe, sitting down and eating would give me peace of mind. Food always does make me feel better. All of a sudden I was walking past a quote I have seen at least once a week for two years now. It had meant nothing to me. To be honest I do not think I ever really stopped and thought about it.  However, this time I was taken a back. I read it over a few times. Smiled. He noticed me.

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2. Angel Pin

I was ready to make the drive to DFW Airport. It was the start of spring break. I had not had the best night’s sleep for the past couple nights. I got in my car and hoped their would be no traffic and I would have a safe drive. As a northeastern boy an almost two hour drive is kind of long (it’s nothing for my Texas friends). Doing that drive alone, can get really really boring. Furthermore, doing that drive alone provides a place for a lot of overthinking. I started the car and made the two hour drive. I prayed that everything would go smoothly. As expected I was stressed out the entire ride lost in my own thought. Even the new Ed Sheeran album was not helping (surprising right?!). When I finally made it to the airport I shut off the car thankful I made it there safely. I took a deep breath and looked up. At that moment I noticed a pin stuck near the light inside my car. I have had this car since August and have never noticed it there. I smiled. He noticed me.

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3. Church

Two days ago I went to Church with my family. This is a Church I have been attending since I was about five. After Church, we had a coffee hour in the Church hall. I scarfed down a few donuts (maybe more than a few) and drank my coffee. After a while I saw my family heading out the door. Looking for the garbage, I walked over and threw out my trash. I saw a sign right over the garbage that said,

                           PRAYER CHANGES THINGS

This small sign had been there for years. Yet, now it means so much more. I smiled. He noticed me.

____________________________________

God does not send carrier doves with our futures written on scrolls.

God does not give us a call on our phones.

God does not send us emails.

However, he does send us mini rainbows everyday. To remind us that He is there. He notices us.

God, I notice You noticing me.

And because of that, I have peace.